In the Waiting Line

Failure

Fri, 16 Jan 2009 00:02:42 GMT

It's not letting me upload photos to my desktop :( The photo I was trying to up load wasn't highly detailed, but It kind of showed the aftermath of yesterday...

I leave class. I go to Barnes and Noble at the Pruneyard. The time comes to take dad's car home...

Dad's car...My car is done for so I'm driving the Jag until we can figure something out.

Well, I was driving the jag...

[Insert pic here]

I got into a car accident on the way home. We hit head on. I'm okay. The other driver is okay. The car, not so much. I hurt like hell today though. I ache everywhere. No actual injury though.

It's weird, the way it's so hard to recall a detailed description of what happened. I pulled into the intersection and then I have a flash of head lights, then I'm sitting in the car trying to take in what just happened. Then I'm standing in the street, Trying not to step in whatever fluid was on the ground. I called Abed first. I don't really remember the conversation. Everything comes back together after that though. I got a hold of Mike, who has AAA. So I was able to get the car back to Morgan Hill for free. By the time Mike got there, everyone else, but the tow truck driver, who happened to be coming up the road when the crash happened, was gone. The driver waited with me so I wouldn't have to call AAA. When he showed up I fell apart for a minute. I just started bawling. I had been choking back tears the entire time.

The tow guy was really nice.

I have amazing people in my life though. They all took good care of me.

I need some advil, a few glasses of wine, and a backrub.

That sounds perfect about now.

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 00:33:59 GMT

I'm bored

Bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored.

I don't think I can sit through another 2 hours of class. It's making me stir crazy. Listening to my professor talk and talk, I can't focus at all. I just wanna get out of here.

My car is done. It makes me sad. I love my firebird. I don't know what I'm going to do. I need to come up with some sort of down payment.

Time for a break...

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 08:34:27 GMT

You're right Kev. I do need to update. You're the only person who has this journal. I added you on the other one too, because I read my friends page from there, so add it back.
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I need to write more. It's my favorite outlet. I'm tired and should be in bed.

I'm beyond exhausted.

I have no car now. I don't know what I'm going to do.

I can't think straight. Sleeping now, writing later.

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 05:59:38 GMT

It was another long weekend. I want to shower right now. The smell of cigarettes is in my hair and I can still smell him on my skin. It's not a bad smell (well i'm not really a fan of the way my hair smells right now), it's just this reminder of last night. I can't remember having a night quite like last night...well ever... The details don't belong here...but when you take away all the bad connotation, the fact that it was a stupid drunken mistake, it really was a great night.

That ended at about 11am

and now there is so much uncertainty it almost hurts...

I keep hearing this voice in my head, the voice of someone I used to know...and I am afraid of a repeat of such a situation.

I don't even know what I'm writing right now. I'm exhausted and rambling...just writing as I go along.

I think i'm getting the sick...I just don't know which sick...

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 06:21:02 GMT

Weren't you supposed to call me after work??
Thanks for that.
Awesome.

Are you even reading this. Let me know if you read this. Make a comment. Something. I feel like I'm talking to myself and that totally defeats the purpose of this now doesn't it.

I feel like I try, and try, and try...

and I keep expecting something...

And then there's nothing.

I'm so frustrated I could cry.
Or Scream....

A big part of me wants to throw my hands in the air, say fuck it, and just give up all together...

I'm so angry. I feel like I'm being pushed aside. I'm only here when you have nothing better to do.

Like I'm only here when it's convenient for you, and the rest of the time I'm just someone you put up with.

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 04:54:25 GMT

It never seems to change.
I am so tired of sitting around waiting...
and waiting...
and waiting...

I'm tired of the lack of follow through.

This perpetual disappointment has come to be expected.
I only anticipate it continuing.
I also anticipate that this will "fall on deaf ears" so to speak.

Nothing ever seems to change here.

I feel like this is a one sided effort.

I've needed someone. I need some comfort. I need a friend...
I need you and you aren't here...

And the worst part is that I expect it to be this way...

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 19:26:11 GMT

I'm tired.

I'm so tired of it all.

Somethings gotta give.

Maybe I just give up...

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 08:33:25 GMT

Today was good. I got a good amount of schoolwork done. I feel good about that.

Sometimes all you need is to be around people.

Thank you...Thank you

Wed, 12 Mar 2008 07:51:37 GMT

I'm really, really restless...

Tue, 11 Mar 2008 06:13:58 GMT

You just have to have a little faith.

I'm trying to have a little faith.

I'll let you know how that goes for me.

Ha.

How I feel right now:
fandflnalvbnlabn'lrabnvlanflandlfkndlkfnldknflkanlkfndlkfnlanflknflknldkfnornklj voinv

Not sure what that means...

Explode-y

I don't understand what's going on.

--------------------------------------------------------

I want to yell and scream and cry
and to talk
to someone
about nothing in particular.

I have no one to talk to right now.
I need to go for a drive soon...

I can't breathe

...

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 00:57:19 GMT

I am terrified right now...
TERRIFIED

I need a drive.
And a talk.

TERRIFIED

I don't know what to do...

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 09:45:26 GMT

Picture of You This is the clock up on the wall
This is the story of us all
This is the first sound of a new born child before he starts to crawl

This is the war that's never won
This is the soldier and his gun
This is the mother waiting by the phone praying for her son

(chorus)
Pictures of you
Pictures of me
Hung up on your wall for the world to see

Pictures of you
Pictures of me
Remind us all of what we used to be

Woooah

There is a drug that cures it all
Blocked by the governmental wall
We are the scientists inside the lab just waiting for the call

This earthquake weather has got me shaking
Inside i'm high up and dry

(chorus)
Pictures of you
Pictures of me
Hung up on your wall for the world to see

Pictures of you
Pictures of me
Remind us all of what we used to be

[ Pictures Of You lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com ]
Confess to me
Every secret moment
Every stolen promise you've believed

Confess to me
All that lies between us
All that lies between you and me

We are the boxers in the ring
We are the bells that never sing
There is a title we cant win no matter how hard we must swing

(chorus)
Pictures of you
Pictures of me
Hung up on your wall for the world to see

Pictures of you
Pictures of me
Remind us all of what we could have been

(chorus)
Pictures of you
Pictures of me
Hung up on your wall for the world to see

Pictures of you
Pictures of me
Remind us all of what we could have been
What could have been
We could have been

Pictures of you
Pictures of me
Remind us all of what we could have been
What could have been
-------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm exhausted but I'm having trouble sleeping.
I've been having strange dreams that somehow relate to my life right now.
I'm just not sure exactly what they mean yet.
Maybe soon it will come to me.

Mike gave me tickets to Margaret Cho
I'm super excited.
Thank you...

Tomorrow I have work. I wish I knew who was closing. Hopefully it's L or Josue. They make work so much better.
I feel bad for Josue. What a shit situation.

As much as I don't want to work tomorrow, I always have something to look forward to on Thursdays. My weekly coffee with Steph. Some weeks a see her several days, others I don't, but no matter what, we always have coffee on Thursday. I love it. It's something good to look forward to.

And now I try to sleep...

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 07:22:06 GMT

Why is it that I feel like blame is being pointed at me?
I feel like I'm not being talked to about things,

I'm way exhausted and way underslept.

I'm rapidly losing my ability to organize my thoughts.

Crashing....now

Thu, 21 Feb 2008 08:25:29 GMT

Am I really that miserable of a person
That I can't just be in a good mood?

Or broken down, Carrie style:
If you see your glass as half full, but someone else sees it as half empty, where does that leave your glass?

I'm not always miserable.
I've been going through a rough patch, granted, but I'm not always miserable.

I can be fun Brooke. Let me show you just how fun, fun Brooke is.

Fun.

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 06:37:44 GMT

I'm sitting and waiting for my group. Class was canceled tonight but we're meeting to work on our project. I'm not sure what I want to write, just wanting to. I've been wanting to but every time I sit in front of the computer I've been so exhausted. It just won't come.

I'm restless.

Every time I'm at home I get yelled at. Yesterday I left the house with my Mom yelling at me. Last night Dad comes home and starts yelling at me.

About my room.

My fucking room, not being clean enough.
I clean it, but it's not clean enough.
So I'm ungrateful because I can't clean it well enough.

And if I don't want to talk about why I have a "bad attitude"
I need to not have a bad attitude.

When i left for class yesterday, and Mom and I were fighting, she yelled "Why are you so miserable" after me.

I sit on the couch, watching TV, not doing anything, and from this they determine that I have a bad attitude.

Okay so now it's hours later...
I'm tired
and achy

Everything hurts...

Other than this complete restless feeling, today was a good day.
Not great or bad.
Just run of the mill good.

I want to go for a drive.
I think I'm going to hit the shower.

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 08:19:41 GMT

I had so much I wanted to write. Now that I'm sitting here, I just don't have it in me. I feel so...
empty.

There was the sweetest little old man at Strixes today.

The conversation moved me.
It made me want to cry.
I still want to cry.

"I hope nothing like that ever happens to you."

One of the roads we drove down tonight took us past FJ's house.
I don't know that he still lives there. I didn't realize it until I saw it. But there it was. It gave me chills.

I feel like screaming.

I wanted to stay away from my house longer but I started to feel sick. Not cold sick, just a physically sick sort of feeling.
I was going to zone out on the TV but I can't be downstairs right now. She's in rare form tonight. I'm holed up in my room, but I want to just escape it all.

Hop in my car.
Drive.
Drive.
Drive.

Then what?
I don't know.
I wish I knew something.

I'm trying to not be sad.
I am so afraid of driving everyone away...
terrified...

Feeling the lonely right now.
Not in the because I'm single sense,
but the craving human interaction kind of sense.

Maybe one of these days I'll sit down and write a coherent entry.
For now though this whole stream of consciousness thing is working out.

Everything hurts right now.
I'm exhausted but it feels like it's going to be another restless night.

I'm getting up at 830
So I can get out of bed by 9
so I can be at work Steph's house by 10.
Then Santa Cruz
I'm craving this. I need this.....

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 09:18:23 GMT

The wind is blowing tonight.
It's that fierce kind of wind. The kind that makes the house creak when it blows.
It blows open the door to the house from the garage, and through a vent in the house that rattles the pans.
It chills me. Deeply.
It fuels my restlessness.

And my worry.
I'm worried.

You're so important to me.
I care about you so much.
I will always be here for you.
No matter what.
I love you sweetie.
You're my best friend.
Don't ever forget how important you are.

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 03:00:21 GMT

I feel like I have to keep this all together.

I'm trying to keep it all together.

I'm not so much cycling between sad and the crazy anymore. Now it's more between feeling stable esque, and like there is a crushing weight on my chest. It's hard to breathe and everything starts to hurt, but somehow I find away to push through. I just have to keep pushing through.

I'm trying to not be alone right now. Sometimes I crave the solitude, but right now it just brings on the bad stuff. The emotional.

Wed, 13 Feb 2008 09:11:47 GMT

It's been a considerable amount of time since I've written anything. I used to write all the time. It all tapered off for awhile. I've been so apprehensive to start this. I've been feeling so disjointed latelty that I don't really know what is laying under the surface. Over the past couple of days I've thrown myself into driving, reading, music, anything I can use to pull myself away from the whirlwind of emotion that I've been encompassed by.

Monday night I drove. I drove down to Gilroy and eventually found myself heading back North on 101. I made my way to Highway 9, to the end of the world, smoking, and listening to music that fit my mood. I got up there and there was no one around. The sky was clear and I stared into the sky at the stars for a long time. I listened to the wind blow through the trees. For awhile I was able to distinguish between the sound of a car approaching and the wind, but I lost track at some point. I stood leaning against my car, listening to the night. I could feel the tears well up in my eyes, and my legs grew weak and rubbery. I got back in my car and sat there for a minute. Being in the car shut out all the outside sounds, leaving me in a deafening silence. It was an extemely lonely and isolated kind of feeling. It was all too much. I made my way back to Morgan Hill slowly. It was a steady controlled pace. I was in a daze. I got how and crawled into bed. I didn't want to move.I could barely move. Eventually I slept.

That was the worst night. The apex of the crazy. That is why I have been so focus on just getting through my crazy. It seems to be improving, but i'm still hurting and I'm still not sure how to get though it. I don't know how. And I hate that. All I do know is that there is no instant quick fix here.

I thought about running. There is a part of me that very much wanted to just disappear. I wondered if it would be easier to just fall away. In the end though, I'm not one to run away. I want to fix things. I want everything to be better, but I can't do that until I find a way to stop the hurting.
I'm so exhausted. I'm emotionally worn down. I need a release of emotion and it just isn't coming yet.

I makes me anxious, and it makes me feel lost.

I'm so tired.

I 've teared up, but I haven't really cried. Close, but not cigar.
I really think I need to cry.
I think I need a hug.
I don't know what to do.

For now I'm going to sleep because, though I feel like theres more, I'm just so damn tired............

Song of the Day

Wed, 13 Feb 2008 07:55:47 GMT

"5 & 1/2 Minute Hallway" -Poe
I live at the end of a 5 and 1/2 minute hallway
But as far as I can see you are still miles from me
In your doorway

And oh by the way
When the landlord came today
He measured everything
I knew he'd get it wrong
But I just played along
Cause I was hoping that would fix it all

But there's only so far I can go
When you're living in a hallway that keeps growing
I think to myself
5 more minutes and I'll be there

Inside your door
But there's more to this story
Than I've been letting on
There are words made of letters
Unwritten
And yes I forgive you
For leading me on

You can think of it like this
When you can't resist
I'm in your hallway standing on a cliff
And just when I think I've found the trick
I'm tumbling
Like an echo

'Cause there's only so far I can go
When you're living in a hallway that keeps growing
I think to myself
30 seconds and I'll be there

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