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| | 5 & 1/2 Minute Hallway | ] |
It's been a considerable amount of time since I've written anything. I used to write all the time. It all tapered off for awhile. I've been so apprehensive to start this. I've been feeling so disjointed latelty that I don't really know what is laying under the surface. Over the past couple of days I've thrown myself into driving, reading, music, anything I can use to pull myself away from the whirlwind of emotion that I've been encompassed by. Monday night I drove. I drove down to Gilroy and eventually found myself heading back North on 101. I made my way to Highway 9, to the end of the world, smoking, and listening to music that fit my mood. I got up there and there was no one around. The sky was clear and I stared into the sky at the stars for a long time. I listened to the wind blow through the trees. For awhile I was able to distinguish between the sound of a car approaching and the wind, but I lost track at some point. I stood leaning against my car, listening to the night. I could feel the tears well up in my eyes, and my legs grew weak and rubbery. I got back in my car and sat there for a minute. Being in the car shut out all the outside sounds, leaving me in a deafening silence. It was an extemely lonely and isolated kind of feeling. It was all too much. I made my way back to Morgan Hill slowly. It was a steady controlled pace. I was in a daze. I got how and crawled into bed. I didn't want to move.I could barely move. Eventually I slept.
That was the worst night. The apex of the crazy. That is why I have been so focus on just getting through my crazy. It seems to be improving, but i'm still hurting and I'm still not sure how to get though it. I don't know how. And I hate that. All I do know is that there is no instant quick fix here.
I thought about running. There is a part of me that very much wanted to just disappear. I wondered if it would be easier to just fall away. In the end though, I'm not one to run away. I want to fix things. I want everything to be better, but I can't do that until I find a way to stop the hurting.
I'm so exhausted. I'm emotionally worn down. I need a release of emotion and it just isn't coming yet.
I makes me anxious, and it makes me feel lost.
I'm so tired.
I 've teared up, but I haven't really cried. Close, but not cigar.
I really think I need to cry.
I think I need a hug.
I don't know what to do.
For now I'm going to sleep because, though I feel like theres more, I'm just so damn tired............ |
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endofthehallway's journal
sore
It's not letting me upload photos to my desktop :( The photo I was trying to up load wasn't highly detailed, but It kind of showed the aftermath of yesterday...
frustrated
tired